The etymology of maa-behan ki gaali

"Bain-chod, tand bahut jyaada hai," exclaimed a pan-chewing haryanvi jat standing next to me at an STD booth in M-block market. Before, I could react, the STD booth walla wearing a silly pink monkey cap replied, " Main thon,bainchod, kulfi ho gaya". With the belief that Indian society had not yet become so liberal, I deduced that these two armchair meterologists were not the incestous type. But "bainchod" is swear word. Now, why were they swearing at each other over the weather? I thought.Later I realised that the term 'bainchod' was a sweet Delhi way of starting a conversation with strangers. In the next fortnight, I realised alluding to fornication with your mother (or your sister, if you like) in hindi was next best thing to a cigarette. It was tool to enter a conversation with a complete stranger and within minutes you could be on 'bainchod' back-slapping terms with him. It is in the process of understanding the etymology of the b-word, did Delhi teach me a thing or two about life. It was a long, cold January that I set foot in Delhi. My parrys-corner sweater refused to protect me from the cold blast that welcomed me to the nation's capital. "Super sweater saar," I remember the oily malayalee salesman saying to me at Junus Sait, Chennai's one-stop woolen retailer. It turned out that the sweater for which I had paid a fortune was no better than a tantex banian for Delhi's winter. So I decided to seek professional help from my Kashmiri room mate who took pity on me and introduced me to the world of woolen inner-wear (not underwear). "You better wear this or you'd be dead, by the end of the week," he explained bluntly.Until then, winter was just a concept to me. In my good old Madras, there were (and still are) only three seasons - hot, hotter and hottest. Well, I had read about snow and winter in fairytales and books. Cold, in the context of weather was.. Ooty or Kodi where I went almost every other summer. "So, I can manage it," I thought. I was never so horribly wrong ever in my life. So there I was - a sun-bathed-by-birth-tam-brahm - forced to wear a woolen inner wear, three sweaters, a grey monkey cap and drinking a cup of Chai! Mind you, this wasn't even the Nair version. I was in Delhi to attend a training programme. I had, by a sudden turn of events, found a job as a hindi reporter for a mainstream hindi news channel - reporting in the rashtra bhasha. My overnight professional transformation was followed by a linguistic rebirth. "Well your hindi is fine...you just need to start thinking in Hindi now," began my trainer. What happened thereafter will be saved for another blog sometime.How I fell in love with Delhi and its abuses is the subject at hand. So here I was in Delhi attending a training session along with 30 seasoned reporters from all over the country. Every morning, a Toyota Qualis collected 10 of us from Rockland Inn in CR Park where we stayed (Delhi is full of these shady 'inns') and dropped us at The Park where we had to undergo these torturous 9-hour long training sessions. Since, there were thirty of us, the Qualis had to make three-trips. It was in all fairness, first-come-first-to-get-a-seat arrangement. The same routine was followed in the evening as well. On the ride back, we all jointly indulged in 'reflecting our views' on the day-long training session. In short, these were delicious bitching sessions. Some cirbbed about how bad the lunch was, some complained about how terrible the training was and how awful the trainers were and so on. And in each one of these complaints, I was privy to some exquisite hindi punctuated by some top-class maa-behan ki gaali. Now, I had less than a month to prove to my employers that I could not just communicate in Hindi, but I was darn comfortable at it as well. I must admit that consistent exposure to gaali-vocabulary did wonders to my confidence.Jayantda, a senior reporter, often mixed his Queen's English with chaste hindi with sprinkled with a strong Bengali twang. Now our man had learnt his first lessons in reporting in Delhi and it was quite evident with the way he swore. His enunciation was perfect. Sample this, "These trainers worth a tuppence, have the gall to tell me that I think like some bainchod some cub reporter." Note the typical victorian english and the right delhite placement of the b-word.Jha, a Bihari who married a rich zamindar's daughter in Orissa, had a typical Bihari isshttyle of speech. His bainchod were more guttoral. He would also stress more on the "bain" than the "chod". I am no expert in linguistics. My knowledge of the subject is limited to just one year of studying it in college.But, frankly, I strongly believe that it is possible to place a man - his social standing, his origin by the way he swears. Swearing is not a mere expression of frustration or anger. The choice of abuse reveals a lot about one's personality. For instance, when we use the four-letter word, many avoid using maternal associations. The thought seems rather ungentlemanly even when you are swearing at someone. I know of a friend, who would even when provoked to the hilt, would not say more than a "damn" or "darn" or "oh bother". Thus, revealing a very refined upbringing where swearing was strictly forbidden by powers that be - family, teachers or mentors. ((more to come))

Budget 2004 - Yeh gaadi to chalti rahegi!

As the country's Finance Minister, Palaniappan Chidamabaram, adorned in a nirma-white "Mayilkannu Veshti", walked with his briefcase through the corridors of the Parliament, the second biggest spectacle of world's largest democracy was in full display (the first of course were the elections). As the Nattukottai Chettiar with impeccable English "rose to present the budget for the year 2004-05", the nation watched with expectation, clinging to on to every word he spoke, noted every word that he emphasised and attributed meanings to his deliberate pauses.
The first half of the two-hour long speech was politically correct - 'of, for and by the farmer' spiel - which must have warmed the Marxists' hearts, seated adjacent to the treasury benches. As the DD camera fixed a three-button frame on PC, the over-his-shoulder view that one got was the cherubic pan-chewing rail mantri from Bihar. The image couldn't have been more perfect that this - a visual definition of the CMP, with a glum PC on the forefront and a beaming Lalu on the backdrop. A few days ago, the Rail Mantri had given away largesse amounting to thousands of crores of tax payer's money so that young, pan-masala chewing bihari boys could travel free on Rajdhani express to attend interviews of Sarkari Naukris in Dilli. While, I do not intend to rebuke the motive behind Lalu's freebie binge, retired railway officials tell me, that this budget has done nothing but to drain the railway's coffers even further. One retired Chairman of the Railway board, explained at great length, how he and a few of his colleagues spoke out of turn to impress on their political bosses to cut the flab of the staff. Forget downsizing, all they got were transfers or forced retirements with a suggestion that they try burning their own flab on the treadmill instead! These poor well-meaning chaps are cooling their heels in retirement, tapping their heads in disdain, watching every minister ruin the institution that they spent their lifetime building. "Sometimes, I wonder, how the Railways function....every day and night, trains go on ...despite the politician and the bureaucrat. It's a miracle really....there's only one thing which keeps it going. That's the commitment of the staff," one retired official noted.
Back to PC's budget. As Chidambaram spoke eloquently "mixing passion and reason" to convince the voters of rural India (and his homeground Sivaganga), poor Lalu found it difficult to keep up with his Harvard-educated colleague's angrezi. Also, blame it on the timing. One hour before lunch, with Rabri's home-made "Sattu Roti aur Dal" waiting, Lalu could do little but to doze off for a little while, fantasizing about his lunch or his lady or both. But when Chidambaram said, "backward state.....", Lalu sprung back to life, knowing fully well that PC was talking his language. He shook his head, smiled and thumped the benches hard, when the ispessal package for Bihar was announced. A staggering Rs 3500 crore! After getting his pound of makhan, Lalu stopped smiling and promptly went back to sleep.
PC went on, spoke at length on his plans to reduce revenue deficit and stick to his medium-term fiscal correction plan. After all that spiel, he went ahead to announce a series of freebies completely anti-thetical to fiscal prudence. To top it all, Chidamabaram said, with his classic tonality and cadence, that the Govt aims to bring down the fiscal deficit to "4.4% of GDP this year." How is going to do that? Where is going to get the funds from? asked the purist. As these questions arose, Chidambaram continued with measured staccato. The sting in budget 2004, was in the fag end of the speech. Two deadly blows - one to the meek, tax-paying, middle class and the second one to the shrewd, tax evading day trader of the stock market.
With the announcement of a 2% education cess across the board, Chidambaram ensured that every salaried employee took home less money and paid more for what he normally consumes. A majority of the middle class still does not know the impact of this cess. For a taxable income of let's say Rs 3 lakh per annum, if one were paying Rs 4000 per month as income tax, that would now go up approx to Rs 5000. What's worse that every product that you buy, the mfr is now passing off that 2 per cent onto you - so your monthly supermarket bill or that new car you wanted to buy or that air-conditioner that you wanted to gift your mother or that holiday that you'd planned with your wife are all now steeper! One might argue that the increase is only a marginal 2 per cent, the flip side is that this two percent is unlikely to meet the noble cause for which it is being levied. Using this cess, Chidambaram intends to fund the nationwide programme to educate the girl child and poor children across the country. Noble indeed, and yes if that means I'd have to pay a Rs 50 more to FoodWorld, so be it. But here's the ghastly truth: for every rupee that the Govt of India spends on a development project, 65 paise goes to fund the pot-bellied mantri, the babu and his peon. The rest, if any, goes to local district, taluk level party biggie who'd much rather use it to buy gajar ka halwa for his beti or fodder for Lalu's stable. It is this "leakage" of govt funds that I don't want to fund out of my pocket.
The second one is even harsher. Currently, every stock broker pays the following: brokerage fee, service tax and of course, income tax. (Yes, there are tax avoiders but avoidance is not illegal - it is cleverly circumventing the rule and does not amount to breaking the law). The finance minister has introduced a tax on every transaction through the market on the buyer. In short, every security (stocks, bonds, futures, options or any acceptable financial product) sold through the market attracts this 0.15% transaction tax. The buyer will pay this tax. So if a trader makes 50 transactions - 25 buys and 25 sells, he will pay this tax on half of his transactions irrespective of whether he books a profit of not. In return, the Govt has withdrawn the long term capital gains tax on stock transactions. The brokers are up in arms - crying hoarse that their livelihood is at stake. The long term impact of this new taxation is not yet clear. Pundits argue that the transaction tax will suck the liquidity out of the market and consequently it will make the BSE unattractive for FIIs for short-term exposures. While the benefit of Lalu's kin is detrimental to large section of the middle class, similarly, the benefit of a few invisible foreign investors is not worth worrying at the stake of the desi trader or the retail investor. The contours of Chidambaram's policy on areas such as service tax implications are rather vague and whether it affects the interests of the salaried small-investor remains to be seen.
While we accuse Lalu of being populist, Chidambaram's first budget of the UPA Govt seems no different. Taking care of the needs of rural India deserves appreciation - simple because over 60 per cent of our country depends on farming for their livelihood. However, if that is done at the cost of industry and services - which accts for 28% and 51% of the GDP respectively -Chidambaram is no better than Lalu.
Like Lalu's train, the nation's "gaadi chalthi rahegi". Because of or inspite of Chidambaram's budget.

Sonia yet so far

Among the six resolutions passed by the DMK at its Executive commitee meeting today, the most hilarious one was about praising Sonia Gandhi. The resoultion, loosely translated, said "we heartily congratulate madam Sonia Gandhi for installing a secular Government at the centre and so graciously opting out of prime ministership." This statement captures the essence of how debased and unprincipled Indian polity has become today.
Firstly, by attacking the earlier Govt's as being communal, the DMK is merely shooting at its own feet. For the past five and a half years, the DMK has ben part and parcel of the same NDA government, which it now accuses as being communal. Its own MPs - TR. Baalu, A.Raja were until recently Union ministers in Vajpayee's cabinet. The DMK may now have chosen to change its political company, but it does not belie the fact that it milked the NDA till the very end. The DMK and its chief Karunanidhi conveniently forgot the BJP's communal character when Murasoli Maran was being treated at Houston. The tab picked up by the same NDA Govt. It did not find the BJP leadership to be communal when the Prime Minister took part in the last rites of the esteemed Industries Minister. The motive is not to hit the DMK below the belt. But the fact of the matter is, what right does the DMK have to occupy a high moral and secular ground? Where was the DMK Cheif when Gujarat was burning? Even a hardline Hindutva votary privately admits that Gujarat was a blot on India's secular image. The Chief of the Dravidian party did not raise his voice against Godhra or what followed at Gujarat. His silence was intepreted as political astuteness. It was in fact approval. If there is one political party in the country that deserves to labelled as being communal and fostering a divisive agenda - it is the DMK. At the forefront of the Dravidian movement, Muthuvel Karunanidhi's treatment to the brahmins of Tamil Nadu was as heinous a crime as what Modi has done to Muslims in Gujarat. The only difference instead of bloodshed, it was large scale humiliation and enforced marginalisation. This concerted project has managed to erase the community's presence from public life. The late Murasoli Maran, who many say, would have insisted on sticking on with NDA would be turning in his grave to have seen his party joining hands with the party whose president they had conspired to kill. The DMK was singularly resposnible for entertaining the LTTE. At a press meet, in those times, Maran thundered,"We did not know we were harbouring a Frankenstein monster." LTTE may have been Frankenstein, but Maran did not refute his party's support and encourgement to the killers of the former PM of India.
Now, the wife of the very same Rajeev Gandhi may find it politically correct to have polite conversation with Karuna and his kin over lunch. But her roots in Orbassano irked Karuna as much as did to Sushma. The cold, calculated,political creature that Karuna is led him to wait for her to opt out of PMship before he could lunge at cabinet berths. Though he had been offered more than he could chew, Karunanidi chose to throw a tantrum and wanted much more. Now that he has been mollified, like a wailing baby shut up by a pacifier, he and his party shamelessly pass a resolution attacking the NDA and praising Sonia. In fact, there was even one resolution by Karunandihi's cronies praising their beloved Kalaignar for having won 40 seats and for having secured 12 ministeral berths for the State. Muthuvel Karunandi must be happy man. As he turns 81 soon, he has provided financial secuirty for four generations after him. Now his 7 ministers would ensure four more generations of the Karunanidhi's family would live a life of opulence.

Riding on Vaiko's shoulders

Karunanidhi is perhaps the most wily politician in India. His ability to use any adverse situation to gain political mileage is his greatest asset. Despite being an ally of the NDA Government, Karunanidhi went throgh the humilating midnight arrest orchestrated by Jayalalitha. Although this rash and indecent act yielded little in return for Jayalalithaa, it endeared Karuananidhi to crores of Tamils across the world. The wily old fox that Karunanidhi is, understood that this incident was not good enough to win an election. It earned him pity-for-the-moment from people. Not symapthy. Sympathy could translate into votes and he knew how to exploit it. All he needed was one ripe situation. And came the situation in the name of Vaiko.
When Karunanidhi realised that the incarceration of Vaiko, is translating into large-scale symapthy, he immediately cashed in, erased the nasty feud with Vaiko in the past and rushed to adorn the role of saviour-mentor. His demand to then Central Government to revoke the draconian POTA fell on deaf ears. This was the biggest political point he could ever score. The scriptwriter in him sensed the building of an exciting plot. The hero - clearly Vaiko, jailed on charges of mouthing insipid political rhetoric about LTTE, was beginning to evoke symapathy among large sections of people. The seasoned politician inhim was quick to realise that in political parlance sympathy is spelt 'votes'. The Villan here was obviously Jayalalitha - his betenoire. She had, he accused, misused POTA on Vaiko and he played on the emotions of the Tamils to teach her a lesson for inflicting such pain on "his brother" Vaiko. The villian's sidekick - quite inadvertently - was the NDA government. The law brought in with the motive of curbing terrorrist actvities - especially in terror-stricken state of Jammu and Kashmir - was creating political turmoil in Tamil Nadu. Even in his nightmare, Vajpayee could not have imagined a law enacted by his Govt could be used to jail his own ally in the very same term. It happened. Call it error of political judgement or sheer political fortune for Karunanidhi, Vaiko became a scapegoat. So here was a hero and a villian and all that was required was to create a point of conflict. In one act of political masterstroke, Karunanidhi staged a demonstration against Jayalalithaa for jailing Vaiko and stepped up pressure against the Central Govt to repeal the law. It was killing two birds with one stone. Vaiko's supporters and symapthisers were swayed by Karunanidhi's concern for their leader. Before, Vaiko could realise the true colours of this political game, Karunanidhi appealed to him to apply for a bail - "in the interests of the people of Tamil Nadu," he cried. Tired of a long jail term and confused by Kalaignar's sudden affection, Vaiko applied for a bail. Before he could plan his next move, Karunanidhi withdrew support to the NDA Govt on flippant grounds - the only credible motive being the imprisonment of Vaiko. Catch 22 for Vaiko. He admired Vajpayee and would give his right arm to stay as an ally of the BJP. But here was his political mentor, who had gone all out for his cause. He was left with little choice. Reluctantly, Vaiko's MDMK too pulled out of NDA. And, from then on Vaiko political course was dictated by Karunanidhi. The number of seats Vaiko's party would contest, the specific constituencies were all at Karuna's discretion. The piece de resistance was in dissuading Vaiko not to contest the parliamentary election. In short, while Karunanidhi rode on Vaiko's syampathy wave, he made sure that his party reaped all the benefits. While the fiery speaker in Vaiko drew large crowds, the candidates he was canvassing for were from the DMK. While Karunanidhi's family-owned Sun TV conveniently blanked out his public meetings, Vaiko could do nothing in protest. The Tiger of Sivakasi after being made a political scapegoat was now turned into a vote-laying golden goose. As the 14 lok Sabha took shape and a record 7 ministers from the DMK took oath of office at the Rashtrapati Bhavan, there was one man in the audience who felt miserably left out. A man, on whose name, the DMK won the elections, Vaiko suffered in silence.